


Call Me Mephistopheles

by OctoberSpirit



Category: Welcome to Hell - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Puns, Based on a Tumblr Post, Christmas Cards, Coffee, Coffee Break, Gen, Headcanon Accepted, Workplace, arts and crafts, meph is a dork
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 18:04:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4231584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OctoberSpirit/pseuds/OctoberSpirit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The concept of time is something you humans created. That and letters. </p>
<p>You know, like the alphabet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Call Me Mephistopheles

**Author's Note:**

> welcome-to-headcanons:  
> Anonymous asked: Mephistopheles doesn't know how to spell his own name.

“Hey, uh, Mephistopheles? How do you spell your name?”

Meph doesn’t quite glance up from the box of cards he’s flipping through, one hand poised on the handle of the coffeepot. He’s not really sure how the box of cards got there—he keeps the break-room uninviting, just a coffeemaker and a few god-awful paperbacks—but it’s had him distracted for a good fifteen minutes. (Or possibly days? Hours, maybe?) Still, he’ll be damned if it’s not worth a chuckle.

That…wasn’t supposed to be a pun.

A few cards later, Sock’s voice finally registers, although its content has been somewhat lost in the shuffle. “What was that, kid? Didn’t quite catch it.”

“I just wondered how your name is spelled, sir.”

“You think maybe we should do, like, a game night down here? Every Thursday or something? Take our minds off the renovation?” Having reached the end of the row of cards, Meph drags his fingers along their tops, ticking through them again at random. “We’ll need more cards than this, I bet. Wonder if there’s an expansion pack…”

“Uhhh, sir? Your name?”

“How’s that now, kid?”

“I need it for your Christmas card.” Sock, Mephistopheles finally notes, is sprawled across the break-room carpet, surrounded by piles of crafting supplies. “I’m writing a heartfelt, personal message! I got the idea from Jonathan’s mom.”

“Kiddo, you don’t celebrate Christmas. And I’m _almost positive_ it’s July up there.”

“Well, yeah,” Sock admits, tugging his hat, “but I really like the cards, you know? And look! I made one with rainbow glitter.”

Meph squints one eye, still holding the coffeepot. “What’s that dripping from the side, there, kid?”

“Guts!”

“All right. Whhhhhere’d you get the guts?”

“Out of the Gut Box.”

“Huh. Totally thought I lost that thing.” Replacing the lid on the box of cards, Meph finally remembers the task at hand, pouring a stream of acrid-smelling coffee into a dinky Styrofoam cup. With a shudder, he stirs in the non-dairy creamer, which stubbornly clumps at the liquid’s surface before wisely surrendering to the vortex. “Where’d you get the rest of it, though?”

“Oh, this stuff I got from the sale at the craft store.” Sock tilts his head at an exaggerated angle, his hat dangling into a pile of glitter. Great, that stuff’ll be everywhere now. They’ll be finding gold sparkles for the rest of eternity. 

Then again, that might be a job for the despots… 

Oblivious to Meph’s drifting attention, Sock continues, testing sparkle-pens with care. “Did you know you have, like, three hundred Hobby Lobbies? That’s a _lot_ of Hobby Lobbies. And they’re all kinda creepy. But I guess the competition keeps the prices low.”

“Yeah, there’s a thing with the guy that owns ‘em. Same as our contract with Chik-Fil-A, sorta.”

“Oh,” Sock says, then looks up expectantly. “But anyway, your name is spelled M-E-P-H…”

Meph takes a few gulps of the break-room brew, then makes a mental note to give the Starbucks deal a nudge. He’d sell his soul for a nice, hot cup of coffee, and this stuff barely qualifies as _cup._ “Do you really need my name for this, kid? Can’t you just address it to ‘boss’ or something?”

“That isn’t personalized,” Sock protests. “How’s it gonna be warm and sincere if you can’t even tell I remember your name?”

“I know you know my name, Sowachowski.” 

“Yeah, but what if you think I forgot?”

“Just sound it out, kid; it’s spelled like it sounds.”

“But it sounds like it could be spelled a _bunch_ of ways. Please? I’ll never ask you again!” Sock’s eyes are huge as he stares up from the rug, like an obnoxious baby bird in a nest made of scissors and poster paint. “Pleeeeeeeeeee—”

“Oh, come on, kid.”

“—eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?”

“Ugh, fine. It’s M-E-P… H… Uh…”

“Uh-huh?” Sock prods, pen poised above paper.

Mephistopheles coughs and clears his throat, wincing as he loosens his tie. Is it an _E_ next? Or is it an _I?_ He’s never been good with the concept of letters…

“You know what, kid?” he says, waving broadly, a few drops of spilled coffee sizzling through the floor. “On second thought, you can just call me Meph. It’s, it’s like a nickname, y’know?”

“A nickname? Like ‘Sock?’”

“Yeah, yeah, kiddo. Like ‘Sock.’”

“Whoa,” Sock breathes, or the equivalent action. He’s practically vibrating out of sheer joy, like a child turned loose with a knife at a petting zoo. “Wow, Mephistopheles! Meph it is!”

Busily, Sock returns to his craft-pile, and Meph takes the chance to slink back to his office. Locking the door, he eyes his desk warily, resigning himself to the neat stacks of paperwork that _might_ —he can dream—distract him awhile. 

And when the card eventually appears in his mailbox, Meph sighs and reads his _personalized message_ before shoving it deep in the back of the file cabinet. 

At least that Starbucks deal went through.

-

_Dear Mister Meph,_

_Happy holidays, friend! Thank you so much for the demon-job; it’s been a total blast so far! I know you’re not really into the concept of time, but I figured these holiday cards might help. I’ll try to send you one every month! Expect one in a few days for New Year’s!_

_You’re a super-cool guy and the best boss ever. I hope you had a merry Christmas, or whatever it is you celebrate here. If you were a knife, you’d be the sharpest one in the block; I just know it. :)_

_I hope you’re having an awesome day!!! All the best!_

_Your pal,  
Sock_

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written in this fandom before. Hi, I'm new. *waves*
> 
> That headcanon floated across my tumblr dash and I just about lost an organ laughing. Figured I might try to write a fic. XD
> 
> Meph's new box of cards is Cards Against Humanity. Also, there's a dumb Cabin Pressure reference, if you happen to multifandom in that direction. :3
> 
> If you ever feel the urge to tumbl with me, you can find me at octoberspirit.tumblr.com.


End file.
